i'm scared. and really, truly uncomfortable.

This is one of those posts that is written out of confusion, desperation, and sheer and utter scared-ness.

Lately, I feel a tug on my heart - one I haven't felt in quite awhile; a small whisper, that politely, yet at the exact same time, so uncomfortably reminds me of one word - evangelist.

You may or may not know that I, as a small child, received a calling to be an "evangelist", by that same small whisper - asking me how many dots were on the carpet my face was pressed against during an altar call. I responded with "I have no idea - a lot". The whisper responded, "That's how many people you will reach."

At the time I was ecstatic - God called me.

But now - what the heck.

What do I do with that?

What even is an evangelist at its best - what are they supposed to do if they are doing their job right?

my first thought this afternoon was - "if an evangelist is Johannes, I don't want to be an evangelist" - they have to heal people and travel to other countries and extremely scary stuff.

I'm scared out of my mind.

I don't know what to think.

Part of me says, "Church planting is a form of evangelism"

But the voice seems to say, "That's not the form I called you to"

I don't know what to think (I think I said that already).

I feel so uncertain. I hate uncertainty.

the voice knows that.

I feel uneasy and out of control and every fiber of my being screams out in frustration and agony, "I WANT TO BE IN CONTROL!"

just let go, right? ugh.

I even hesitate to post this - it releases the thought from just my brain into the public. scary stuff.

I always had the unusual ability to be good at the majority of what I set my mind to; the assumption coming from that being, "you can pick anything and do it for God, and you will succeed and be doing God's will"

now I'm not so sure.

I hate being unsure.

little voice - why must you know the innermost desires and fears of my soul?

Loopholes.

I'm beginning to see that I will NEVER be able to control my sinful desires alone: because you see,

when I sin, I feel bad for it - thus, I create "rules" or "standards" that I am supposed to be held to; but, subconsciously, I allow room for "loopholes" in these "rules", that I can use later on after the guilt has passed, and my sinful desires rage yet again.

as humans, we are great at convincing ourselves

that anything is okay when the

moment is convenient

[God, I'm good at logic; help me to

combine it with the skill of

constantly dwelling/working in your spirit]

I often find myself wanting to rush to the place in ministry where I see myself as having all

MY

issues dealt with,

(by the way, I'm becoming more and more convinced that there's no such time in one's life)

without the hard, shameful work of actually acknowledging that

I might need help.

and then actually getting help.

[God knows, I hate help]

[God, I want to be the kind of person who never turns down someone else's honest desire to help me]

I love warm weather - bring it on summer. (today was SO nice :)

candles vs. people

scentedsoycandles.co.cc

DO CANDLES LIGHT THEMSELVES?

Unless you're being ridiculous, the answer is no. Candles only ignite when something else lights them on fire.

DO "UNLIT" CANDLES DO ANYTHING?

No, they just sit there. They're boring.

if you haven't gotten the metaphor by now, we as followers of Christ are "candles". One person ignited leads to another (ultimately the first 'lighting' being God).

but when we're not lit,

we're boring,

we don't do

much.

but when we're on fire we produce something,

we become interesting,

(to finish the metaphor out, we smell good; we produce wax, we produce odor, etc.)

"Jordan, how do we "light" others on fire, or get "lit" on fire?"

fellowship.

accountability.

faith stories.

blogs, maybe?

Monday Nights. Christmas Lights. The Corner of my Room.

I have changed the title of my blog simply because I have changed the purpose of my blog.

So in Honor of this new template, blog title, and other little details no one will or should ever notice (or take the time to edit),

I have decided to title this specific post after the new blog.

Blog explanation - check.

So I have realized how much we as Christians stress the idea of "time with God", and how few of us actually take the time to DO this ourselves. I mean really, think about it, if more of us actually spent time with God, there would be a whole lot more facebook posts about God's goodness and a lot less about why our lives suck (or at least I would hope so).

I've decided I need to spent a lot more time reflecting. Too often I repeat

mistakes simply because I'm too

ignorant

or ashamed

to think or reflect on what I've done that has been self-destructive.

But that's what repentance is, right?

Telling God exactly what we've done, and then

thinking about how it affected us,

and making a conscious decision to not to it again.

I feel like our lives as Christians in this day and age

are very accurately indicating how our walks with God are.

It seems we talk a great game, but don't live it out very well.

(at least I often do).

Why is it that I've found recently that as Christians we are further

and further away from the actual relationship part with God?

The idea of actually looking up to the sky

and speaking to God as a real living God is foreign to some youth that I've had conversations with lately.

We are so stressed that we feel we have no time to give God,

and in essence, we are not allowing time

for the only important,

and absolutely

essential

thing

we

NEED.

After all, what is "Christianity" without "Christ"? - a lot of guilt, sorrow, and repetition.

So my time with God consists of Christmas lights, candles, and the corner of my room.

I wonder how girly that last sentence sounded...

Working for Pam.

I don't hate a lot of things in this world.

I hate painting.

I have discovered the things I hate have at least 1 of 2 things true:

1. I'm not good at them.

2. I can't finish them. (in the time allotted)

These statements are both true of painting.

So basically, recently I have been working for a lovely lady named Pam - helping her get her bakery/restaurant up and running. It involves a lot of manual work - which is a cool idea at first:

MANLY HARD WORK, RIGHT?

It turns out, I'm not very good at hard work; which is different from not liking hard work. I am legitimately BAD at hard work.

So today I have a few things to tell you today:

People are a lot like stains - which, yes I know, may sound odd at first, but let me explain:

Similarities between stains and people:

1. Both are often stubborn

2. Both take work to get clean

3. Both need individual attention to actually get completely clean.

Often as ministers, we try to "shoot for the many, and therefore, try to get as many as we possibly can" - which often works. But I think the role of PASTOR comes in with the work of individually working with each person.

So in this metaphor, evangelists are like the people who just spray and wipe lightly over the whole surface, whereas pastors sit and scrub and work with each one (makes pastoring sound much more difficult if you ask me).

also, today I painted almost an entire wall the wrong color;

man do I hate painting.