allow love

I find myself living with this paradigm that my sins are kept like a track record, and when I'm dealing with a specific type of sin, I can only focus on that one's track record.

(i.e. "Let's see, when was the last time I lied...oh, Tuesday. That means I'm doing 3 days' good-worth.")

I found myself tabulating the latest sin and it's status, and I felt God tugging on my heart saying, "why won't you just let me love you?" I often can't feel God's love simply because I don't let him. I rationalize myself into depressing comas of self-pity, to my own demise. I become miserable and, by effect, an inconsiderate jerk to those around me.

I am a jerk without Jesus.

I also recently discovered that when I use this "track record" mindset, I become so preoccupied with my own sins that I actually become prideful of my own sin (ironic?). Because after all, I, of all people, couldn't possibly be forgiven by anyone. Never mind the fact that I profess to believe in the creator of the earth who can do what he wants; I'm the exception.

Who do I think I am?

So I've decided, for my own good, I'm going to begin the process of mentally distracting myself when attempting my recollection of the last err on my chart. I am going to sit and brainwash myself with worship music (not meant to sound bad; p.s. that song currently is "Amazed" by Desperation Band - it's been on repeat for about an hour now) until all I can think about is the love Jesus has for me. I will read the Bible for hours until my sinful nature takes a backseat to the side of me that desperately needs His love.