Humiliated by Humility

Humility is perhaps one of the single-most important concepts to have in life, and I regret to say that it is probably the concept I use least. My pride is a crutch I have had all throughout my childhood. I think God has been whispering to me that if I let that crutch go, I will fall; and that's okay. He tells me I don't always have to be guarded against failure, and most importantly, I don't always have to be right.

I immediately respond that He is wrong. (ironic?)

Then I suddenly remember all the times I have been so wrong, simply because I was desperately holding on to my thoughts and action being right.

I recently wrote an email back to my admissions' administrator at Valley Forge Christian College informing her that she spelled "received" incorrectly. (unnecessary, much?)

Maybe I could live a life where I love others enough not to constantly point out their mistakes, I know I sure don't like when others do that to me. I am thankful for the friends who have noticed my mistakes, and have been gracious enough to let me forget them.

I have recently been striving for a life of self-control; perhaps this begins with humility.

I really don't like to let people help me with things or teach me things - this is one of my greatest weaknesses as a leader. But maybe, if I realized that it's okay to mess up sometimes, and stop expecting perfection from myself, I would be willing to screw up a few times in front of a friend in order to fix a potential problem down the road. I feel like that's wisdom in some sort.

Anyways, I hope to be a man of humility.

I hope to live a life where I don't always have to be right.

I hope to live a life where I can let others teach me.

I hope to live a life where I openly admit my inadequacies, and THEN fix them.

I hope to live life, where I don't fear humiliation.

I hope to live a life of honest humility and love.

Innocence

Innocence and wisdom always seemed like conflicting concepts to me. For example, my mind immediately thinks (in its finite and quite frankly, naive nature) "How can someone be wise without experiencing life (be it good or bad) in order to be wise? (thus eradicating innocence). And of course all of the church-grown pupils immediately begin with "well we have the Bible as examples to gain wisdom", and while I agree with this, I also think there may be another source of wisdom besides the examples of Biblical Patriarchs, etc.

I think wisdom is often gained by simply spending time with our God (after all, why wouldn't the creator of wisdom be able to impart wisdom to his children?)

The wisest man to ever live had to ask his Father for that gift, why shouldn't we? (Solomon didn't have a Bible to flip through and follow)

Which then makes me think, if we get wisdom by spending time with God, the more innocent we become, right? Spending time with our Father should cleanse us, right? So these two concepts are becoming more closely related than I thought.

Not all knowledge is beneficial.

Maybe wisdom is being innocent in areas where knowledge is harmful.

Maybe innocence can be a shield to pain.

Innocence protects.

Innocence is simplicity; Oh, how often do I complicate my life. Why do I create trouble for myself? With the enemy attacking me as it is, I have enough problems to fight through. I will PUT ON INNOCENCE in order to help myself.

This world is one that is filled with pain and joy alike; often times it feels like more pain than joy. Sometimes I can't help but put on innocence - it's a way of getting through (when you find out your friend that you've been ministering to is falling into drugs, other friends are slowly falling away, your ministry feels like it's crumbling with your strongest supporters). Innocence - guiltless, only needing to know/focus on things that are beneficial.

Innocence is another arrow in my quiver.

messy love

Let me first start off by saying that this blog is rather inconsistent, and will most likely be updated at "few and far between" times in my life. If you enjoy reading/care to know when these few updates occur, I would love to let you know, although I am sure there will be few who set their eyes on this. Now onto my thoughts..

I want to love deeply and uncomfortably; I want it to hurt. After all, I can't help others if I don't love them right? I've found lately that I really love one person a lot: myself. When I need something, when I want to be understood, when I have dreams - I am right there to console myself, listen to myself, and encourage myself. I am a very independent person, to a fault. Independence is not always a strength, in fact, in my case, it has become a large weakness in my life. When someone enters my life, I have to fight not to keep that at an emotional arms' length. I do not like to let people in, and I do not like to be "in" with other people.

that's when things get messy.

I don't like messy.

I like black and white.

But I don't want to be like this, for I fear that this constant cold shoulder I turn to every loving person will be the death of me. Not only so, but how will I ever show God's love if I can't get close to someone. I need to learn how to roll in the "mess" of love and how to slop around in the complications of relations. I long for the day when I can connect on a level beyond "inside joke" friends, and "playful kidding" partners.

that's where my best friend has taught me virtually all that I know.

I have met a woman who loves fearlessly and passionately.

and it scares the crap out of me.

But I love it.

I hope she will push me to connect with my friends and family on a deeper level, but more than anything, I want to have a "dose" of love injected in my heart that lights me on fire with urgency for the ones around me who are missing out on life's greatest gift.

So I want to be someone who has a deep love for everyone, despite the messiness, heartbreak, and fear it may entail.

I want to love.

God help me.

jordanrio