messy love

Let me first start off by saying that this blog is rather inconsistent, and will most likely be updated at "few and far between" times in my life. If you enjoy reading/care to know when these few updates occur, I would love to let you know, although I am sure there will be few who set their eyes on this. Now onto my thoughts..

I want to love deeply and uncomfortably; I want it to hurt. After all, I can't help others if I don't love them right? I've found lately that I really love one person a lot: myself. When I need something, when I want to be understood, when I have dreams - I am right there to console myself, listen to myself, and encourage myself. I am a very independent person, to a fault. Independence is not always a strength, in fact, in my case, it has become a large weakness in my life. When someone enters my life, I have to fight not to keep that at an emotional arms' length. I do not like to let people in, and I do not like to be "in" with other people.

that's when things get messy.

I don't like messy.

I like black and white.

But I don't want to be like this, for I fear that this constant cold shoulder I turn to every loving person will be the death of me. Not only so, but how will I ever show God's love if I can't get close to someone. I need to learn how to roll in the "mess" of love and how to slop around in the complications of relations. I long for the day when I can connect on a level beyond "inside joke" friends, and "playful kidding" partners.

that's where my best friend has taught me virtually all that I know.

I have met a woman who loves fearlessly and passionately.

and it scares the crap out of me.

But I love it.

I hope she will push me to connect with my friends and family on a deeper level, but more than anything, I want to have a "dose" of love injected in my heart that lights me on fire with urgency for the ones around me who are missing out on life's greatest gift.

So I want to be someone who has a deep love for everyone, despite the messiness, heartbreak, and fear it may entail.

I want to love.

God help me.

jordanrio