Subway, Third Place, and focus.

I've discovered I have a problem with self-indulgent spending. I like to reward myself for what I consider to be a job well done or a day well spent by spending money on things like Subway, Third Place, etc. I find that I am dependent on such things for motivation and encouragement, when I need to be dependent on how God views my work as my source of motivation.

I don't think there's anything wrong with rewarding myself from time to time, but I do it far too often, and for far too trivial things. I end up wasting money, on food that isn't healthy anyways, and it doesn't actually encourage me like I think it will. Or I'll watch a tv show, trying to relax, when the entire time I'm just thinking about how bored I am, so I'll try to multi-task with something, and that something will always end up being done less than adequately.

I am really focusing on taking each thought captive and deciding if it is something of God, or something of my selfish, self-indulgent nature.

self-control is the solution to self-indulgence.

I should fast something.

I complain. A lot.

I think I may be the biggest complainer I know.

Recently, I prayed and asked God for a little part-time job so that I could have another way of witnessing and have another small trickle of income (gas is expensive!). I was offered a job, but not the kind I wanted - I pictured a coffee shop job or a job at a cash register (areas I felt quite adequate). What I was offered was a job scrubbing stainless steel for hours upon hours.

I have never really done physical hard work - just mental hard work.

I got home and the first things out of my mouth were words of frustration and complaining (frustration as a result of my small build and pampered physical condition clashing with hard work).

But who do I think I am?

Didn't I pray for a job?

Didn't I get one?

Haven't I been blessed?

Complaining is pointless - It doesn't get me anywhere.

Hard work is hard.

Let's blow up.

I've noticed recently that the youth group I serve in (The Edge), has been doing fairly well on the "things people at high school talk about when awkward silences pop up" list. Every now and again, someone will tell me of conversations that had started about The Edge during classes, and the curiosity it's building.

I want our churches to, for lack of more exciting and perfectly culture-rebellious words, "blow up" in our schools.

I envision a youth group that raises leaders in their schools. What if - schools had to question "why" there were a lack of detentions being handed out because kids were just being responsible? What if schools had to question why there was a lack of attendance in activities that required Wednesday night practices because kids were packing the youth groups? What if time with God became more important than musical practice?

Now I understand there is a time to fellowship with your classmates, but we have 7 1/2 hours each day to fellowship. What if youth group became as important as the super bowl - we cancelled societal activities because kids were blowing up the churches?

What if See You At the Pole was one giant meeting of the whole school?

All it takes is a select group of people the deeply care for their students, and I'm not talking just care - painfully care.

Care so much that, and I'm not saying it is, but IF youth group is the way to bring their friends to God, they do WHATEVER THEY NEED TO DO TO GET THEIR FRIENDS INTO THAT BUILDING.

what if kids preached in school on lunch tables? (i may be getting too rebellious...)

however,

let's blow up.

allow love

I find myself living with this paradigm that my sins are kept like a track record, and when I'm dealing with a specific type of sin, I can only focus on that one's track record.

(i.e. "Let's see, when was the last time I lied...oh, Tuesday. That means I'm doing 3 days' good-worth.")

I found myself tabulating the latest sin and it's status, and I felt God tugging on my heart saying, "why won't you just let me love you?" I often can't feel God's love simply because I don't let him. I rationalize myself into depressing comas of self-pity, to my own demise. I become miserable and, by effect, an inconsiderate jerk to those around me.

I am a jerk without Jesus.

I also recently discovered that when I use this "track record" mindset, I become so preoccupied with my own sins that I actually become prideful of my own sin (ironic?). Because after all, I, of all people, couldn't possibly be forgiven by anyone. Never mind the fact that I profess to believe in the creator of the earth who can do what he wants; I'm the exception.

Who do I think I am?

So I've decided, for my own good, I'm going to begin the process of mentally distracting myself when attempting my recollection of the last err on my chart. I am going to sit and brainwash myself with worship music (not meant to sound bad; p.s. that song currently is "Amazed" by Desperation Band - it's been on repeat for about an hour now) until all I can think about is the love Jesus has for me. I will read the Bible for hours until my sinful nature takes a backseat to the side of me that desperately needs His love.

Humiliated by Humility

Humility is perhaps one of the single-most important concepts to have in life, and I regret to say that it is probably the concept I use least. My pride is a crutch I have had all throughout my childhood. I think God has been whispering to me that if I let that crutch go, I will fall; and that's okay. He tells me I don't always have to be guarded against failure, and most importantly, I don't always have to be right.

I immediately respond that He is wrong. (ironic?)

Then I suddenly remember all the times I have been so wrong, simply because I was desperately holding on to my thoughts and action being right.

I recently wrote an email back to my admissions' administrator at Valley Forge Christian College informing her that she spelled "received" incorrectly. (unnecessary, much?)

Maybe I could live a life where I love others enough not to constantly point out their mistakes, I know I sure don't like when others do that to me. I am thankful for the friends who have noticed my mistakes, and have been gracious enough to let me forget them.

I have recently been striving for a life of self-control; perhaps this begins with humility.

I really don't like to let people help me with things or teach me things - this is one of my greatest weaknesses as a leader. But maybe, if I realized that it's okay to mess up sometimes, and stop expecting perfection from myself, I would be willing to screw up a few times in front of a friend in order to fix a potential problem down the road. I feel like that's wisdom in some sort.

Anyways, I hope to be a man of humility.

I hope to live a life where I don't always have to be right.

I hope to live a life where I can let others teach me.

I hope to live a life where I openly admit my inadequacies, and THEN fix them.

I hope to live life, where I don't fear humiliation.

I hope to live a life of honest humility and love.

Innocence

Innocence and wisdom always seemed like conflicting concepts to me. For example, my mind immediately thinks (in its finite and quite frankly, naive nature) "How can someone be wise without experiencing life (be it good or bad) in order to be wise? (thus eradicating innocence). And of course all of the church-grown pupils immediately begin with "well we have the Bible as examples to gain wisdom", and while I agree with this, I also think there may be another source of wisdom besides the examples of Biblical Patriarchs, etc.

I think wisdom is often gained by simply spending time with our God (after all, why wouldn't the creator of wisdom be able to impart wisdom to his children?)

The wisest man to ever live had to ask his Father for that gift, why shouldn't we? (Solomon didn't have a Bible to flip through and follow)

Which then makes me think, if we get wisdom by spending time with God, the more innocent we become, right? Spending time with our Father should cleanse us, right? So these two concepts are becoming more closely related than I thought.

Not all knowledge is beneficial.

Maybe wisdom is being innocent in areas where knowledge is harmful.

Maybe innocence can be a shield to pain.

Innocence protects.

Innocence is simplicity; Oh, how often do I complicate my life. Why do I create trouble for myself? With the enemy attacking me as it is, I have enough problems to fight through. I will PUT ON INNOCENCE in order to help myself.

This world is one that is filled with pain and joy alike; often times it feels like more pain than joy. Sometimes I can't help but put on innocence - it's a way of getting through (when you find out your friend that you've been ministering to is falling into drugs, other friends are slowly falling away, your ministry feels like it's crumbling with your strongest supporters). Innocence - guiltless, only needing to know/focus on things that are beneficial.

Innocence is another arrow in my quiver.

messy love

Let me first start off by saying that this blog is rather inconsistent, and will most likely be updated at "few and far between" times in my life. If you enjoy reading/care to know when these few updates occur, I would love to let you know, although I am sure there will be few who set their eyes on this. Now onto my thoughts..

I want to love deeply and uncomfortably; I want it to hurt. After all, I can't help others if I don't love them right? I've found lately that I really love one person a lot: myself. When I need something, when I want to be understood, when I have dreams - I am right there to console myself, listen to myself, and encourage myself. I am a very independent person, to a fault. Independence is not always a strength, in fact, in my case, it has become a large weakness in my life. When someone enters my life, I have to fight not to keep that at an emotional arms' length. I do not like to let people in, and I do not like to be "in" with other people.

that's when things get messy.

I don't like messy.

I like black and white.

But I don't want to be like this, for I fear that this constant cold shoulder I turn to every loving person will be the death of me. Not only so, but how will I ever show God's love if I can't get close to someone. I need to learn how to roll in the "mess" of love and how to slop around in the complications of relations. I long for the day when I can connect on a level beyond "inside joke" friends, and "playful kidding" partners.

that's where my best friend has taught me virtually all that I know.

I have met a woman who loves fearlessly and passionately.

and it scares the crap out of me.

But I love it.

I hope she will push me to connect with my friends and family on a deeper level, but more than anything, I want to have a "dose" of love injected in my heart that lights me on fire with urgency for the ones around me who are missing out on life's greatest gift.

So I want to be someone who has a deep love for everyone, despite the messiness, heartbreak, and fear it may entail.

I want to love.

God help me.

jordanrio